Chapter 4: Misunderstanding: Not Shit, but Still Shit

Once inside, Jade Jauncy carefully and silently lowered Dylan Weedy onto the bed. "Young Master, I've been in this business for several years, but today is my first time taking a client. Please, don't go easy on me!" Jade grabbed Dylan by the collar and began peeling off his clothes. "I've never tried this before, so I'm a little nervous. Don't hold back just because I'm a delicate flower." "Come on, Young Master. Ravage me. Let the storm rage harder!" "Beep!" "Cut it out!" Dylan interrupted her. "Answer me this. Can you play the qin and understand musical theory?" "I can fluff cotton and stew fish." "Can you play chess and read chess manuals?" "I can make sauce and beat tigers." Dylan had planned to guide her with a music score or chess manual while she worked on his acupoints. Unfortunately, aside from being tall, massive, and absurdly plump, Jade knew absolutely nothing. "Forget it. You probably don't know acupoints either. I'll find someone else…" Jade hurriedly said, "I do know acupoints! When I was little, I found several little clay figurines while chopping wood in the mountains. They had acupoints drawn all over them." "What are the Fourteen Meridian Points?" Jade answered without hesitation, "There are 361 acupoints distributed across the Twelve Meridians and the Governor and Conception Vessels, including the Bright Eye Acupoint and the Great Mound Acupoint…" "Damn, she really knows her stuff. Then tell me, where is Wind Mansion?" "The back of the neck." Snap! Dylan snapped his fingers. "That settles it. You're hired. First, prepare hot water. It has to be boiling. Fill the entire tub to the brim." "Got it!" Not long after Jade left, she returned carrying a large wooden tub filled with water. With barely any effort, she lifted the tub above her head with one hand before gently setting it down. Dylan estimated that the two-person tub, filled with water, weighed at least a thousand pounds. "A strong warrior who can lift a cauldron! I hereby proclaim you the Sublime Dynasty's greatest hero!" Dylan gave her a thumbs-up before removing his priceless cloud-brocade robe, every inch worth its weight in gold. "Jade, follow the Three Lunar Hand Meridians once, from the chest to the hands and from the hands to the head. The harder you press, the better. Ideally, your force should pass through the flesh and reach the bones." "Understood." Jade rolled up her sleeves. Her huge, fleshy hand was covered in calluses and as broad as a palm-leaf fan. She slammed it onto the acupoints on Dylan's arm and chest. Crack! The sound of breaking bones rang out. Dylan opened his mouth and spat out a mouthful of blood. "My ribs… My ribs cracked! Go a little easier…" "Young Master, you can't even take pressure as well as my Havoc Demon King." "Who's the Havoc Demon King?" "The big bear I raised on the mountain back home." "You're comparing me to a bear?" Dylan nearly spat out another mouthful of blood. He could only say helplessly, "Press more gently." Following Dylan's instructions, Jade pressed every acupoint on his body. She had already reined in her strength, but Dylan still screamed as if he were being tortured. Shaun Sinjen, who guarded the door, trembled from head to toe. "That's my Young Master. He can even handle a top-tier Big Hippo. Though those screams are terrifying. I can only imagine what kind of battle is happening in there…" Several pampered young nobles who often caroused with Dylan walked over. When they heard Dylan's agonized howls, they all swallowed nervously. "Are they really going at it that hard?" "But judging by those screams, who's doing what to whom?" Everyone pictured the same scene: on the African Savanna, a massive hippo sat on a tiny meerkat and crushed it to death. "Gentlemen, maybe we shouldn't look," one of them said. "I'm afraid I'll get a stye." "Sound advice. The wind's picking up. Let's retreat!" After leaving behind one final declaration, "Young Master, peerless!" the young nobles turned and fled as if their lives depended on it. Inside the room, Dylan felt as if he had endured a brutal torture session and taken a tour through all eighteen levels of hell. There was no helping it. That woman possessed far too much strength. Dylan even began to suspect that if Jade hitched up her clothes, he would find a palm-sized patch of chest hair on her. Put her in a monk's robe, and she would be Lu Zhishen. Give her two axes, and she would be Li Kui. "Jade, have the medicinal herbs in the tub dissolved?" "They have." "Put me in." Dylan endured the scalding water and began circulating the Sinew-Changing Classic. The heat opened every pore on his body, gradually forcing out the toxins that had accumulated inside him over the years. "Jade, use your 'qi' to stimulate my Heavenly Pillar Acupoint!" "Young Master, what's qi?" "The spot three inches below your navel…" "That's pubic hair!" "That's seven inches below your navel! I said the Energy Sea in the Elixir Field, three inches below the navel!" "So that's what this thing is called, qi? I always thought it was urine." The corner of Dylan's mouth twitched. "The Elixir Field is close to the bladder, but it's slightly above that urine pouch. Wait… has your qi already reached the stage of liquefaction?" Primordial Energy Liquefaction was the hallmark of a Grand Master of the Martial Way. A Grand Master working as a courtesan? Dylan had truly lived long enough to see everything. Dylan was shocked. Jade's qi was on the same level as his grandfather's. His grandfather might have been old and frail, but even three Benedict Weedys joining forces would not have been able to defeat this woman. Before two hours had passed, the water in the tub had turned murky. A layer of foul-smelling black sludge coated Dylan's body. It was thick and sticky, almost like molten tar. The filth consisted of toxins and impurities that had been hidden for years in his meridians, Sinews and Meridians, and flesh. The agony of Marrow Cleansing, as though his sinews were being carved out and his bones scraped clean, made Dylan grit his teeth until they creaked. Gurgle, gurgle, gurgle! A powerful urge to defecate seized him. Dylan could not help clutching his stomach. The toxins and impurities in his bones, flesh, and skin had been expelled through his pores. The toxins in his internal organs, however, had to leave through his urine and feces. Under ordinary circumstances, Dylan was still young, so his internal organs did not contain many impurities. Unfortunately, his Kidney Water contained the strange poison known as Immortal Water of Blissful Union. With a splash, Dylan shot out of the tub. He snatched up his clothes, used them to cover his private parts, and bolted from the room toward the privy. Inside the Brothel, patrons embraced their companions while listening to music and discussing the bizarre spectacle Dylan had just created. They called him a true warrior. Then they saw Dylan racing downstairs with his clothes clutched around his waist. Worst of all, his body was coated in black, sticky sludge. Every step he took left behind a terrible stench. "Good heavens, what's that smell? Is it shit?" "Why would Young Master smear shit all over himself?" "Could he have gone so hard that he got shit all over himself?" "An inspiration to us all. Young Master, peerless!" After purging the toxins from his internal organs, Dylan returned to the room. Jade washed him more than a dozen times with rice-rinse water and soap pods before she finally managed to get him clean. Dylan had just finished dressing when the door was pushed open. Shaun Sinjen walked in. "Young Master, it's almost the third watch. Master gave you a curfew. If you get home late, he'll definitely beat you. The kind where he hangs you up before whipping you…" As he spoke, Shaun suspiciously looked Dylan up and down. "Who the hell are you? Where did you put my Young Master? Hand him over at once, or Shaun Sinjen won't be held responsible for what happens next!" Dylan kicked him in the rear. "Open your damn eyes and take a good look. Who do you think I am?" "Damn! It really is the Young Master!" "Is this aphrodisiac really that effective?" Shaun could hardly be blamed for failing to recognize him. Dylan's build had become slightly sturdier, and the sallow, hollow look brought on by years of wine and women had vanished. In its place was clear, luminous skin. As the old saying went, even mourning white could make a person look beautiful. Dylan wore moon-white cloud brocade. Every movement radiated the elegance of a gentleman like jade, peerless beneath heaven. He simply stood there, yet he seemed both lofty and weighty. His loftiness came from the authority of someone who had spent years at the top. He resembled a divine dragon above the clouds, carrying such overwhelming might that people hardly dared look at him. They could only lower their heads and worship. His weight was even more astonishing. Though his body remained lean, he gave off the solemn gravity of the Three Mountains and Five Sacred Peaks. He was like a white jade pillar propping up the heavens, a purple-gold beam spanning the seas. A single man like him could stabilize a kingdom and bring peace to the land. Even if the sky collapsed, he could hold it up with one hand. Gulp, gulp. Shaun swallowed repeatedly as his legs trembled. He had followed Dylan around the capital for many years and considered himself worldly. He had even poured wine for the current Crown Prince. Yet the Crown Prince's presence could not compare to one ten-thousandth of Dylan's. Jade was even more mesmerized. She stared fixedly at Dylan, drool trickling from the corner of her mouth. "Damn it, I forgot to put on my makeup!" Dylan turned away. When he turned back a moment later, his appearance and build had not changed, but the elegance, wild pride, and domineering aura had vanished. In their place was the swaggering, overbearing look of a spoiled, spendthrift heir who bullied others on the strength of his family's backing. "Yes, that's my Young Master. I must have imagined the way he looked a moment ago…" Dylan glared at Shaun. "Prepare a sedan to take us back to the manor. Also, have the Old Madam come here. I'm buying Jade's freedom." "Understood, Young Master. I'll go right away… Wait, what did you say? You want to buy this Big Hippo's freedom? One strange romp is one thing, but why keep her around permanently?" Shaun was startled. He stepped forward, grabbed Dylan's middle finger, and bent it upward with all his strength. "I remember the village elders saying that when someone suffered from Evil Possession, bending their middle finger worked. It could perform an exorcism!" As he spoke, he pointed at Jade and shouted, "You witch! You used Dark Sorcery on my Young Master, didn't you?" "Don't think your Dark Sorcery was flawless enough to fool everyone. No one else may be able to see through it, but I can! I, Shaun Sinjen, am as sharp as a monkey. I spotted your little trick at a glance!" After saying this, Shaun placed one hand behind his back and let out a long sigh. "Without me, Duke of Weedy's Manor would go bust!"