Chapter 7 The Truth That Was 3 Years Late

Three years ago, Yan Yan wrote a long post on MSN Spaces: "Tombstone Inscription When everything was over, I thought of the beginning, that beginning which had ended before it experienced the romance of poetic metaphors. Yet, I don't regret it, because I have reasons not to. Two years and one day will have passed since my breakup with Yi tomorrow. Is this a day worth commemorating? I didn't love him, and I had been telling myself that since the day he confessed his feelings for me. Therefore, our separation was justified. I am a person who ranges from extreme self-doubt to extreme confidence. As such, I vacuously prided myself, painfully delighted in my joy. I adhered to a point where I could easily give up what many dream of. I didn't love Leslie Cheung either. Thus, his songs often played on my iPod: I am who I am A fireworks display of different colors The sky is vast, the sea wide. I strive to be the strongest bubble. I am just that contradictory, strong as a bubble. For the so-called tolerance I claimed, for the disregard I professed, In front of myself, I shamelessly indulged in hypocrisy. With a painful soul, I lived my life cheerfully, helplessly forcing myself to believe, 'Tomorrow is another day.' Three years ago today, I stood frozen on the bustling street by my home's doorway. I had never envisioned facing Yi's confession one day. I always felt that he and I belonged to two starkly different worlds with no intersection. My mind was like a log favored by termites, hollowly unsure whether to refuse or accept. Not long after, I passively discovered that this hollowness was called tacit consent, or more precisely, acquiescence. Yi and I thus became a couple. The day after tacit consent, on the school's playground, Yi circled me. He said it was his rotation, and he would continue to orbit around me every day without fail. I could feel it, that at that time, I was the only one in Yi's world. That day, I was so moved I wanted to flee. Yi said he loved me. Yet, I still hadn't figured out whether my feelings for him were admiration or affection. Other than trying to flee, what else could I do? Regrettably, my attempt lacked support; there was nowhere to escape. I told Yi that we were not of age to love, we didn't possess the qualifications for love. That was perhaps the last truthful thing I said to him and myself before I succumbed to hypocrisy. The year and days I spent with Yi, From the beginning to the end, I never felt I was in love with him. And so, in the three hundred sixty-five days we walked together, I never even agreed to let him hold my hand. You see, I am a person so reserved that it's beyond redemption. You see, I had not fallen in love with Yi. You see, I still didn't understand the difference between love and like. I had once tolerated most hypocritically. I had once been self-absorbed in the most self-deprecating manner. I was as adept at deceiving him as I was at deceiving myself. During that year with Yi, my feelings were hollow, my happiness suppressed. Yi was too outstanding, as if he shouldn't belong to someone like me. I can no longer remember how much time I spent afterwards sorting out my thoughts. But I do remember, when I realized I liked Yi in the same simple way a kindergartener likes a classmate, my hypocrisy was irredeemably set in motion. Because I had never attended kindergarten. When I said I didn't expect him to write to me every day, I lied. His writings, smooth as a diary entry, were irresistibly captivating. I was just afraid that one day, when he realizes he no longer wants to write, he would also realize he no longer loves or likes me. When I said I didn't hope for him to pursue romance intentionally, I lied. Please believe, no girl in this world experiences love for the first time and does not enjoy romance. I was just afraid that one day, when he realizes he has lost the will to chase romance, he would also realize he no longer loves or likes me. When I said I only believe in the truth of an ordinary life, I lied. What girl would want to live at the age of seventeen or eighteen like she's seventy or eighty? I was just afraid that one day, when he realizes he can no longer find passion, he would also realize he no longer loves or likes me. When I said... I spoke thus, letting him be endlessly grateful for my hypocrisy and tolerance. All I hoped for was that there would come a day when Yi no longer loved me, or even liked me, and even he wouldn't realize it immediately.